hypothesis 9: things i saved from the fire, that i was about to burn, but since I'm a pack rat, and this is so full of genuine angst. I'll keep it.

Sunday, February 17, 2008
It is finished
At this very moment the elder and his wife are putting oil on my doorframes and praying the evil spirits and memories out of my house. Every doorframe has the oil. My mom is crying. The put the oil on my bedpost. They're in my room. They prayed for me. I cry too. A little. The pray so the dark shadows will stay out of my dreams, that I won't be strangled at night, or have to pull over when I'm driving home. Because I can't. Drive. And I don't know why. They say its evil spirits, they say its an anxiety attack. They say its my broken home and my fucked up life. Go see the doctor, and a counselor, and Jesus too. Jesus loves you. But so do these demons.Why do they want me so bad?
Posted by Carryn at 1:39 PM
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Beginnings
Its a bright day in Edmonds. My cousin Bobby is helping mom with the gutters. We hadn't seen much of him nowadays. But he''s cleaning our gutters, so thats ok. I'm been wrestling with the idea of redemption for a long time. Every day God displays his grace to me. Like the sunlight on my arms, spilling through our sunroom, in Seattle no less. And the way that our gutters will be squeaky cleaned soon because of this once dead bond called family. But thats slowly resurfacing, even if it is just me and mom. Sara came to church today. In her hard core jr high apparel and sarcastic smirk. But she's here. And I wonder why God should use me in her life when I'm a bad influence on myself even. But I can help her in her hurt. With redemption. Billy gave me a ride home today because my mom was still at church with her new guy. And he didn't care about what I've done, or said, or thought about him since we broke up. He just drove me home. And we talked about church, and I thought how sweet it is that I'm coming back. Away from the temple of my own mind and away from figuring out life on my own. I am the prodigal son running back to my Father. And He doesn't accuse me, or hold those things above me. He gives me a robe, and a ring, and reeboks. He clothes myself in Him. And I am His again.
Posted by Carryn at 2:51 PM
Monday, February 18, 2008
Plans
The sunspots still illuminate my plans for yesturday. The orange sheet of college search sites. St. John's looks good. But I still have so much searching to do. Its strange to look forward to the next chapter in my life when my life right now is reflecting the past. The good part. Megan dropped me off from the bible study sleepover, which was alright. I fell asleep during the first 15 minutes of What a Girl Wants, and ate too many muffins this morning. I'm planning if I can go to Swinomish again, where I expirienced God first. If I can get out of my dad's family reunion (the bad part of my past). Most of all I feel like I can do anything. For the past 6 years I've felt so alone, and incapable. That I had to make everyone happy, that I had to make what I wanted in life come true. That I could do nothing but run away from the life God gave me. Now, I finally stand on the Rock. And from there I make my plans. St. John's is in New York....
Posted by Carryn at 11:24 AM
Monday, February 18, 2008
And planning...
Alright. So University of Washington, St. John's, Fordham....what else...oh, Boston College or NYU (if that was ever possible). I need a college far from home, and urban. Someplace that when I step outside I'll have all the crayons I need to scribble my own picture. College-feel but large, and presitgious if that helps. For some reason I'm not thinking about cost, God has that covered. In every search I don't specify the preferred tuition. Money has controlled every decision given to me, but not this one. Who knows, maybe I'll meet some fabulous person or opporunity that will get me in like Flin. Takes alot of faith. But I can take it. Anyways, Jerica comes over tomorrow to stay for two nights. I think her parents are gone or something. Which is funny because my mom is never home either. And it would be better if Jerica were alone that be alone with me. We're bad infuences on eachother. We always have been. Every night needs some adrenaline filled getaway when I'm with her. So far we haven't gotten into much trouble, yet. But sometimes when I try to hang out with her I can't because she's with her little foursome posse. Kaitlin, John, Jerica, Billy. And she tells me she's out to dinner with her folks. Everytime. It does bother me, because I can't hang out with them. I'm either not into trashy TV, hottubbing, or not a skinny blonde cheerleader, or maybe, maybe its because I broke up with Billy. Yeah, thats it. But when Jerica and I are together, then we're best friends. I help her through her problems and give her a place to stay. I'm whipped. So whipped. But I am tired of spending every weekend with Audrey baking cookies and watching Disney movies. She has no problem with it, but I do. Because I'm the median between every friend group in our junior class huddle. And I get worn out that way. I'm always doing something but not what I want. Most times I just want to have fun, because thats what you're suppose to do in highschool. My Woodway friends inviting me to go to some party the other day and I would have taken it if my only ride wasn't Alex. I wanted to be "omygod so fucking fabulous" like them. Live in the fast lane for a day. But unfortunately I know better. And it sucks sometimes. All the time. When I don't think about it.
Posted by Carryn at 3:55 PM
Monday, February 18, 2008
He would
oh my God. my dad isn't paying his portion for my trip to ethiopia. he said he would. but he isn't. i'm not going. God help me. he said he would. why does he still control me.
Posted by Carryn at 7:05 PM
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Sun, stay sleeping.
Today was horrible. I felt behind in everything. What I said and did, everything was off. I couldn't keep up with life, and the whole day I was in a state of "fuck this" because I couldn't handle it. And I felt as if something out there was toying with me. Like I was watching myself mess up over and over. Almost like I feel when the dark things come to be. But I was my own dark thing. And thats what I couldn't handle. Jerica is staying at my house tonite again. Last night she just sat on the couch and texted John the entire night. He wanted a souveneir from my sister's old room, because she's apparently really hott? I don't even care. Apparently I was asleep on the couch most of the night, or so said Jerica to John. But in reality I was furiously doing my homework and furiously wondering why everyone else has got life figured out besides me. I don't even want to think about college. All of my friends are going to Cali or Law or Med school. I don't even know what I wan't. I don't even know what I can get. I'm still toyed by my circumstances and anyother force out there...
Posted by Carryn at 5:05 PM
Thursday, February 21, 2008
She has.
Went to a history cram night at Kaitlin's to prepare for the AP test. And as I was taking a call from my mom in her room, i looked around at all the pretty pictures and arrangements and things. The kind you get from Pottery Barn Teens with scrapbooked precision. If theres one person I envy above everyone else its Kaitlin. I've known her since she was little. Always got the Christ-like award and sang every week in our elementary chapels. She lives in the big house on Maple with the stream and picket fence. Her family is just the family that would live in that big house. Stable, strong, rich. She's always had friends, and awards, and help with homework. We started cheer together at the end of 8th grade when I was still in my awkward stage. But she never went through that. She's always been beautiful, petite, perfect. Her blonde hair and big eyes and smile. And she was good at cheer too. She stuck with it, unlike myself. And now her college planner and her parents have got her life planned out and it looks pretty good. She's got the grades and the talent and the money to go far. Everyone loves Kaitlin. She's the new IT girl among us and mostly among the boys. Brandon once said, "Kaitlin is the type of girl we like to marry, you're the type of girl we like to fuck." or did sam say that? I guess they were both talking to me. I think we we're playing MASH. I used to not be jealous of Kaitlin. I used to have something she didn't. But now he looks at her the same as he did with me. Now, she's got everything I don't. And everything I want. Not just Billy, because I'll get over billy, one day. But the family, the security, the princess life that every girl should have. The stability to be beautiful and not let your heart get hard from life but blossom, and love freely, and live. I wish, i wish, I wish, i was kaitlin. I wish I was someone else.
Posted by Carryn at 8:21 PM
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Ugh.
Do you realize how my life was going fine and happy for once untill my dad bailed on my trip?(which is getting worked out i hope...). How that totally pivoted my week and suddenly everything fell apart. I need God again, I need to be in constant chase for him, because He'll find me there but, but sometimes being with God just feels like putting a bainaid on my hurt. And the hurt is still there when I take it off. Why wont God fix it?Ps: theres a wierd looking mole on my right breast. I found it a week ago. its on the side and it is greyish reddish brown. i'm scared because it keeps getting darker and darker. and my boobs always hurt in the morning. I used to think they were growing but I'm not so sure. They hurt in specific spots that dont feel right. I need to get this checked out...
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Confessions.
Its sunny again. Like the afternoon I started this blog. I hate this blog. It shows the worst parts of me. And i'm gonna show you another. woohoo. But I've been struggling with this for a long time and I need to let it out. Alright here it is...wait for it...SEX. I think about sex. Alot. But not the anatomy, although that is marvelous as well, but no. I spent an HOUR this morning before getting up thinking about the sensuality and heat and sounds and his BODY. For real, I'm the only girl out of my friends who crave a guy's body. More than sex itself I think about dancing or foreplay or little tricks I can play on my husband. But I'm so far away from having a husband. AHHHH. I feel dirty having these urges to go clubbing or partying or just getting on a guy. But not just any guy. I have a detailed set of requirments, that I'll post later, and besides I promised God I wouldn't lead on or date any guys he didn't lead me to. But its so hard!! And the worst part about it is anything that reminds me of Billy puts me in this sensual state of mind. Being in a hot tub, talking about family camp, or anything! I don't lust over him because we broke up, and thats wrong. But when I try to think of other "crushes" his face always pops up. Which is ironic. Oh gosh, here it comes. First off I didn't cheat on Billy. Spencer was just a kid I met at Malibu who talked the way Billy did and looked like him and reminded me of Billy when I was missing Billy the most. We would spend th afternoons on the dock talking about everything. He knew I had a boyfriend, and he had a girlfriend. So we were cool. But on the ferry ride back he took me to the top deck. It was raining, he had a red shirt. He grabbed my shoulders and looked me straight in the eyes. He told me he lied about having a girlfriend so I would feel comfortable talking to him, then he asked me, "Do you love Billy?" I said yes. But what haunts me is that I looked into Spencer's eyes. and stalled. Then I said yes. And when I came home Billy and I hung out that night. He was wearing a red shirt. And when I kissed him I pretended it was Spencer. After that God told me that I definately had to give Billy up. God gave me Billy and I didn't deserve him if I thought I could replace him with something better. I never saw Spencer after Malibu. But I see Billy every day. And I'm not completely over him. It kills me. I've asked God to take this away everyday. But Billy's memories still linger in my mind, when I think of love or happiness or anything what I want. And it kills me that Billy will say the things he said to me, to another girl. Or another girl will feel his kiss. And his love. Because I didn't deserve it. And another girl does. I didn't cheat on Billy. But I doubted what God gave me, and made myself God. He still has a wonderful plan for me, and nothing can make God love me less. But its hard when I gave up the most beautiful gift He has given me. And I pay for it every day in the halls.
Posted by Carryn at 10:53 AM
Monday, February 25, 2008
Refocus.
So Audrey pretty much slapped me in the face. In a good way. I've been so ripped up over Billy and Kaitlin and how I compare to her and how I can't get over Billy. Deep down some part of me thought Billy and I are gonna get married someday. And it makes me sick thinking about the situation right now but I have to be selfish. I can't think about him. I have to think about me. Highschool is short and beleive it or not Billy and I most likely wont end up together. Very small chance. And who am I to know the future? Thats is God's hands. And the only way I'll be happy is if I follow the path God has drawn out for me and right now, Billy isn't on it. God might have put Kaitlin on Billy's path and I'm happy. Because pursuing God and following His path is the best I could wish for anyone. So I can't wish for Billy to be with me. I have to wish for me. And wish for the things I want. Which is what God wants. If God doesn't want me to have Billy, I don't want to have Billy. Simple as that. So I'm going to get back into the Bible and pursue Him again because if I remain in Him He will remain in me. And even if this is a cycle for a while of falling away and falling inlove with God, so be it. Because I'd rather be wrestling than walking away from Him. And that, my friends, makes me the hottest thing out there.
Posted by Carryn at 6:33 PM
Sit with Me
when the day closes down,and all alround me fades,setting sun, welcomes dark,far awaysit by me, sway with meon the green chair, with our tea,and we'll smile, we wont speakwe'll just breathestay close, stay warm,day is coming in the morn,and i'll always love you,what ever that day bringstired hands clasp to mine,brought me hugs and dinner time,now its my turn, i'll hold you,stay by me.i'm your love, only love,these day we only have wemama dear want i needis for you, just to sit, sit with me
Posted by Carryn at 5:38 PM 0 comments
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Monday, March 17, 2008
Things
maybe this is how its meant to be,maybe this is how its always gonna end for me,maybe this is how it ends in our repertoire,of things, we lost,of things, we didn't have to lose,of things we were always meant to be.sometimes and i look at you, catch you in the eyesometime i think that it hasn't ended and i don't know whyit has, but it cant, its still there, when i seem to stop and stare,all the things come back, all the things i only really cared for...you and me, we were something, we were everything,our things, still linger in the back of my closet, i look toyour smile, and suddenly those things catch fire,those things burning holes inside of me.

Hypothesis 8: I'll find them the Truth.

Well, I'm procrastinating again. The news rambles on in the background. Bush is suppose to make some speach about the war in a little bit, and somehow the papers will find him mortality in it and announce it over the next couple days. Speaking of the paper, I took a field trip to the Seattle Times today. It was good because I thought I always wanted to be a journalist. And I do still, but I can't stand the limits of being local. So maybe the New York Times instead. They get out more. Reporting sounds more exciting but I'll always love to write. Above all, I want to be an editorialist, but only when i'm older and I know more. While I'm young I can run the globe for a good story. The only thing I really want to find its Truth though. And make Truth known. Who believes a journalist though? A Christian female journalist? I haven't decided if I'm Republican or Democrat yet, I don't think I really need to. But I do feel God has placed me in this country for a reason, as we drift farther from the Truth. I know we won't be the "great America" for long, and I know our enemies are at our doorsteps. Just look past the screen of the media at the real world, or look in the Bible even. Its all there. And many times I want to run far far away from my country. It cuts me deep to see what we've become. But I have a duty while I'm here. God may place me somewhere else and I'll shine the light of Truth in other lands. But this land is dying, and I can't turn my back on it just yet.

Hypothesis 7: Britt's a butt...

...who wont let me use the laptop.

Hypothesis 6: You got you. Not her.

I hate this sucky feeling. Somehow, and I never know why, I get hooked on looking at internet photo galleries of girls I'll never be. Its a crazy addiction when it hits, and sometimes I think I'm a lesbian because of my tendency to click, click, click. But I don't have a sexual desire to be with them, its like I have a sexual desire BE them. So others can look upon me and want to be me too. So I continue to look at girls who never knew me, nothing like me, but someone I want to be. And I should be doing my homework, something productive like that, that makes me more of who I'm meant to be. But like a plague I retire to my bathroom after an undiscovered battle in my heart and apply my eye makeup like her, or push my bra up like that, or even, stare at the toilet and gulp. Hoping I'll never throw up to be like them but wanting to know if I could, and if it would work. I hate these feelings. They just aren't me. I have to write to grip one fist length higher on the escape rope. To climb out of the hole that I try so hard to admit isn't there. It's kinda like that tiger pit in the old Disney's Swiss Family Robbinson. I'm a bad actor pirate who just so happens to fall in. But I knew it was there all the time. And its funny. I'm listening to my indie rock, with dark purple nails and big wooden hoops. But in my perfect hell I'm just like them.

Hypothesis 5: You always get up on the horse again, and again, and again.

Today I spoke with Billy. And we spoke. We didn't "TALK". We just conversed about his new mustang and my comments in english and culinary arts which we have together. It hurts to type because my fingers are all cut up from apple crisp. So ya, bagging sucked today as well. So we're talking. Not as freely as I want it to be, its still a little awkward. But hey, when have I known what I want. Mostly, I miss hearing him joke, and laugh, like I've lisened to him do for the past 5 years. I love that. But I'm starting to move on. It's lonely and liberating, like having a clean etch-a-sketch but having no clue wut to draw on it. Although, sometimes I wish I wouldn't have shaken it away in the first place. Nevertheless, time continues on its rambling course and I'm a drunk sailor trying to follow it. Oh boy. But I'm excited, this new year holds so much, the glorious and mischeivious moments. Such as smoking cigars for the first time with Britt, under the train tracks where the sand meets the sea, last night. So with this new year I have new dreams and a new piece of my heart to find. Hopefully I'll get off my blog and chase those dreams (and accordingly get on my blog and find that new piece).

Hypothesis 4: There's a season for everything

Just got back from work, and we have three new guys. Three new baggers. Which makes me. Not the new bagger. Its strange. For three month I've been the new girl and all of a sudden I'm teaching "Adam" and "Garret" how to mop. Strange. It feels strange yet so....LIBERATING! Finally I have people underneath my aching feet! Finally I can ditch hard orders and tell...say... "Ian" to come bag for me. Things are really starting to come around. Especially since people really like me there. Josh and Justin are kinda creepy but we get along fine. I know how to joke in guy language, a skill only few girls aquire. And the older workers like me too, we make fun of eachother well. Jamie likes me, and she's nice. The other girls?.... not so much. Girls are finicky creatures I say. I'm even remembering my customers so I can say, "How'd that fajita recipe go?" or "How's the cats?" or "How old is Olivia now? 3 months?" So ya, things are really coming along. And the job gives me great characters. Like the woman who keeps her wallet in her bra, or the mom/local porn star or the cute courtesy clerk who taught me how to clean the bathrooms my first day. His name is Jesse. But I haven't seen him for a while. He's really nice and polite and knows God! We talked about Younglife one time. He seems very likely to be an option in the future. Far future. Unlike the other guys who work there. Believe me, always be careful before you go in the back room. I swear, Josh and Justin loom back there to prey on bagger girls. Looking for action among the yogurt pallets. How romantic. Would make for a good story though. If I were that desperate. Which I'm not. Yet. But besides all that I have to quit. Weekdays at least. Homework is getting insane with two AP classes under my belt. I'll try only working weekends but I might have to quit entirely. Which will suck cuz I really need the money. To frickin live. Oh dear. Why do I have to live all of a sudden?

Hypothesis 3: Life is brighter when you're outside.

I think it was good for me to get outside. Mom and I went to the Summer Market and got a peach cobbler, which was sterotypically delicious. The walk was good excerise for us to live in our new roles since Britt's going to college. Just me and Mom. Its a strange and inevitable, laughing at when we didn't know much.
...
(What I wrote today in the back of the Scarlet Letter)
The skate park behind the Boys and Girls club was newly remodeled. I took my seat on the grass aside. What brought me here was the reluctantly accepted task to babysit the"it" kid of Edmonds. Rich parents, football team, golden lab, and a girlfriend to awe over his 10 year old muscles. "You can just sit over there," he said and headed into the cement course of cool. I often imagine about the concept of childhood, something I too early had to leave behind. The assurance of a mom ther for you, ripping apart bananas, motioning to come inside. The brightness of a new day, entirely clear for three-wheeler journeys and juice box dreams... But its getting late and the park closes soon. There's less and less places to skateboard as the sun goes down.